Top Holiday Travel Tips

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With the summer holidays nearly upon us, it’s only prudent to plan your travels well in advance. I’ve compiled some easy-to-follow tips on how to keep one step ahead if you plan to take to the roads this summer:

 

  1. Leave early, like everyone else – If you plan to take to the roads this summer holiday, make sure you get up nice and early just like most people will be planning to do. That way not only will you still get stuck in traffic, you’ll be tired and grumpy too!

 

  1. Pack plenty of snakes – You thought you read snacks, didn’t you? Well it’s snakes. Everyone knows snakes are great travel companions. Grab a handful, chuck ‘em in the boot and watch the kids eyes light up with fear and amazement!

 

  1. Plan which roads to complain about before you get there – Make sure you know which roads will be gridlocked and plan your complaining before you arrive at said road; “The A3052 is always like this!” and “They need to put a bypass here!” are all good ones. Try blaming the satnav or insisting that you should have gone right at that last turn off as well.

 

  1. Pick busy destinations – Hotspots like beaches and child-friendly activity centres will be unbearable during the summer months, so why not add to the crowds? What better things could you possibly do with your time than queuing for an inordinate amount of time, battling through packs of sweaty, rude people and listening to a mother loudly scolding her misbehaving child for hours?

 

  1. Adrenaline rush – Long journeys often reach a lull after the initial novelty of travelling has worn off. The family have nodded off and now you’re bored with no one to talk to. Pretending your brakes have failed and yelling that you’re all going to die will have the family motivated in no time. A great prank to play every half an hour or so, or as required.

 

  1. Insist on a paper map – Buy one of those foldout AA roadmaps of the UK and insist on using it to navigate to your destination. Pull over every ten minutes to check it and spend ages trying to fold it away properly. Argue with your spouse about which way up they should hold it and when questioned as to why you won’t use the satnav, insist that it’s how the great explorers used to navigate their way to Legoland.

 

  1. Point out mundane things – Driving can be boring. No wonder so many of us are now texting and driving. Keep everyone engaged by pointing out uninteresting things like “Hey look, there’s a bollard!” or “Look over there kids, a Vauxhall Meriva in sky blue!” Especially fun to do when they’re trying to sleep.

 

  1. Lord of the dance – Buy the Riverdance soundtrack from a bargain bin at a service station and listen to it endlessly. The family will love it and it will make the journey fly by!

 

  1. Install a DVD player for the kids to watch in the back, but only bring one DVD of the 1924 French Avant-garde film Ballet Mécanique.

 

  1. Tell long tales about how you nearly made it as a rock star/author/actor, then stare off wistfully into the distance and whisper bitterly “Now look where I am”.

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