The Nerd’s Last Word with Michael Bosley

On the 30th anniversary of the World Wide Web, Tim Berners-Lee called for action to stop the platform turning into a giant social toilet.

So perhaps whilst the internet undergoes some vital repairs in order to make it a force for good instead of evil, why don’t we look at what else we could do with our time that’s a little more constructive than shouting in all-caps at complete strangers about subjects we’re unlikely to ever agree on:

Feed some ducks

Old people love it, kids love it and animal rights organisations are mostly OK with it, so long as you’re not feeding them bread. Feel the anger of last night’s Twitter spat about Jacob Rees-Mogg ebb away as gaggles of flapping bills munch away feverishly at your plentiful offerings.

Go for a Walk

It’s easy to lose perspective when you’re face down over your phone, gritting your teeth in your fevered determination to outsmart Patriot_Ken63. But what’s it going to get you? An award for most convincing argument from the Academy of Reasoned Debate? Or perhaps you’ll go viral and convince all your detractors that yours really is the one and only opinion that makes sense.

No, instead you’ll look up at the clock in three hours and realise you were supposed to have done a bunch of stuff in the time you spent pontificating online and now you feel like an awful person who is wasting their life. So why not step outside, take a breath and realise there is a whole other world buzzing away outside the chaotic realm of internet drama.

Have a sandwich

Sandwiches are nice and come in a variety of fillings and breads. They also don’t harass you online or call your mother a “fat slag”. They are the epitome of simplistic pleasure in a world where everything is getting a little too convoluted and overwhelming.

Get a pet

Pets don’t do politics, which automatically makes them about a hundred times more interesting than anyone you’re likely to engage with online. They can also be loyal and easy to please as they appreciate the simplicity of a small squeaky ball or their owner dangling a piece of string.

People aren’t quite so easy to please. They want apologies, sources, explanations, pictures (or it didn’t happen), likes, followers, revenge, sympathy and infinite content. Who wants to deal with that every day?