The News Elephant
Tape of piggery fire decisively beaten by Ed Sheeran's Galway Girl in poll to find world's most abominable recorded sound 

By Leppy Pardalis

Galway Girl, the catchy and not in any way patronising Ed Sheeran tune, has won yet another accolade.

Although it was released in 2017 the song, which manages to distil thousands of years of Irish history and culture into a few minutes of annoying and vaguely sexist Guinness-breathed diddly-dee, emerged as a strong winner in a recent poll to discover the world’s most abominable recorded sound.

The judging panel, consisting of anybody with so much as one working ear, said the next strongest contender, a harrowing fire brigade recording of several hundred pigs burning to death in a factory farm blaze, was the stuff of nightmares but nevertheless nothing compared to Sheeran’s international Top 10 hit.

Other contenders in the poll included recordings of:

- The World Fingernails Down the Blackboard Championships

- A howler monkey falling from its tree during a logging operation and landing feet first in a giant wood-chipping machine

- An obscure 1960s lounge album entitled Yoko Ono Sings Perry Como

- Donald Trump having a desperate and unsuccessful two-hour Jodrell in the Oval Office

- A cargo jet full of accordions crashing into a mountainside

- The aftermath of a short-sighted vet mistakenly applying concentrated sulphuric acid instead of soothing ointment to a Siamese cat’s haemorrhoids

The result of the poll was greeted with little surprise among the general public, but was met with outrage by the Boston-based International Association of Those Ridiculous Annoying Bastards Who Pretend To Be Irish Even Though They, Their Parents, Their Grandparents And Their Great Grandparents Have Never Set Foot In The Bloody Place.

Its spokesman, Brendan O’Brendan James Joyce Behan O’Brien O’Beckett Liffey The Third, said: “To be sure to be sure ‘Tis an outrage, sure and begorrah so ‘tis.”

Then a passing Irish woman, in the city to visit her brother, gave him the kick in the plums he so richly deserved.