The News Elephant
RECRUITMENT AD: Government looking for new scapegoats: Apply today!

Are you young? Or an ethnic minority? Or even just a bit Scottish?

Did you try to get a Coronavirus test when you felt sick, like the big ruddy charlatan that you are? 

Then the Government needs YOU to cop the flack for their next balls up!

Right now, Ministers are working hard on their next catastrophe. And whether it’s running out of testing kits, screwing up the kid’s grades, or just good old breaking of international law by dishonouring agreements they themselves wrote only a few months ago, one things’ for sure – over the coming months the government is  going to need a whole army of people to cop the flack for their many imminent mistakes. And you could be one of them!

That’s right, you too could earn almost £9,000 a year by being a professional Government stooge! All you have to do is say things like ‘ah, yeah sorry my bad – what was I even thinking with that Northern Ireland protocol!’ and allow yourself to be blamed by some dolt in a tie, like Gavin Williamson or Matt Hancock, next time they forget to do something important like order enough PPE for doctors during a pandemic or something wacky like that.

Successful applicants need to be highly suggestible, easily irritating to readers of the Daily Express comment section, and available to chat on Mondays to BBC Breakfast to explain themselves to a bemused public.

Priti Patel is on standby waiting to take your calls! She should probably be doing something else but that’s just how keen the government is to get these vacancies filled!

Call 0800 811 SUCKERZ or email cannonfodder@gov.uk with your CV or even just an amusing picture of a dog dressed like a bee or something, because don’t worry you’ll get the job.