The News Elephant
Rational Biden-voting optimist confused by 'massive knot of fear and despair in stomach'

By Livi Ngroom

Minnesota housewife Sheri Cumpanakker has reported her confusion over a ‘massive knot of fear and despair in pit of stomach’ about the upcoming US election.

As an early voter Mrs Cumpanakker, who has three children, is confident that Joe Biden will win the election but for some unknown reason can’t shake the ‘massive knot of fear and despair in pit of stomach’.

She said: “Ah shucks, I don’t know where this ‘massive knot of fear and despair in pit of stomach’ is coming from. All of the reports say that Joe Biden is well ahead of Donald Trump in every poll imaginable and that he is a shoe-in to become the next President of the United States but I can’t shake this feeling.

“I know the polls got it wrong in 2016 but according to multiple sources the pollsters have learnt a lot from their mistakes and have compensated for the difference between the popular vote and the electoral college vote and for the amount of unknowables on the Trump voting side and still the statistics swing massively in Joe Biden’s favour but I still can’t shake this ‘massive knot of fear and despair in pit of stomach’.

“I also know that The Republicans are doing everything they can to suppress votes and have a whole legal team on standby to question the veracity of the election but in my heart I know that democracy will win out especially after reading reports of 70 million early voters otherwise the whole country will fall apart. I know that everything is indicating that Biden will win despite all of this but I just can’t get rid of this ‘massive knot of fear and despair in pit of stomach’.”

Mrs Cumpanakker is known by her friends as one of the most optimistic people they know who always looks on the bright side and has a smile on her face.

Her best friend Tammi Schnauser said: “You couldn’t meet a more smiley person than Sheri but sometimes she does tend to be overly optimistic. The rest of us know that Donald Trump will win despite his travesty of a presidency but Sheri seems incapable of facing the fact that a lot of her fellow Americans are really really stupid and are not nice people at all who are willing to ignore the fact that Trump an overtly sexist and racist criminal who has destroyed his own country and are going to vote for him anyway. After the horror of the last four years you’d have to live cloud cuckoo land that this isn’t just one more thing that Donald Trump will somehow get away with. Like a cockroach he would survive a nuclear blast even at ground zero as he’s that bloody untouchable. The Russians would never let him lose.”

Mrs Cumpanakker added: “Hopefully it’s just my body getting confused with the ‘massive knot of fear and despair in pit of stomach’ I feel about the imminent environmental global collapse and not about the US election at all. Let’s hope so.

“Or it could just be indigestion.”