The News Elephant
People who give a damn about Wag Wars case to be taken to woods and left there

By Leppy Pardalis

“As we’re not actually advocating killing the vapid dimwits, it doesn’t count as murder,” said a spokesperson for an emergency cross-party committee today.

The spokesperson was defending the unanimous decision that people who give the slightest scintilla of a toss about the ongoing Wag Wars legal tussle are to be taken from their homes to the nearest patch of woodland and left there.

The Wag Wars case involves Rebekah Vardy and Colleen Rooney, one of whom is supposed to have said something to or about the other.

Although the world is currently dealing with problems ranging from nuclear proliferation to the worst pandemic in a century, some people care about the Wag Wars.

In fact, some people care so much that they spend hours on social media voicing the hope that whichever combatant they don’t like dies - preferably alongside their children.

“Taking them to the woods and leaving them there is the best option for everybody,” said the committee spokesperson.

“It means the rest of us won’t have to deal with their boneheaded nonsense any longer, and they won’t have to deal with things they are incapable of comprehending, such as a rudimentary sense of proportion, not behaving like a particularly stupid infant - and probably flush toilets and electricity, too.

“And if our solution seems cruel, just remember that each and every one of these thick bastards will still be entitled to vote and serve on a jury.

“In any case, most woodland is only a couple of miles from civilisation, so the least stupid are bound to find their way back and become utility company chief executives, senior Government advisors or whatever.”