The News Elephant

By Norman Smee

People across Britain who were worried 2020 just hadn’t been chaotic and turbulent enough were delighted to learn that yet more Brexit negotiations were underway with the EU, as the government honours its promise to make the situation at home as precarious as it possibly can be, purely for the entertainment of the people.

It was also announced that the latest round of negotiations were due to end in spectacular failure right around Christmas time, thus ensuring Brits can have even more fun during their cancelled lockdown Christmases alone by staring at a television screen with nosediving GDP graphs on it.

Britain’s negotiating committee, which as per the Farage charter includes three Brexit-loving stereotypes of an angry middle-Englander who ‘just doesn’t trust Johnny Foreigner’, a confused fisherman determined to make life worse for himself, and a billionaire tax-dodging hedge fund manager who stands to benefit enormously from a no deal scenario, is heading to Brussels this week for the latest round of absolutely-definitely-really-final-final-no-seriously-guys-i-really-need-to-get-going possibly final Brexit talks.

A spokesman for the committee said: “It’s been tough, real tough. I mean we could just sign something, anything, and be done with it. It’s not like we’re aiming for any sort of result anymore. And to make it even harder, there are already a few drawn up deals on the table – a Cameron one signed shortly before we voted to leave the EU, and one-a-half deals negotiated by his predecessor Theresa May – so we have to remain stubbornly pig headed to continually turn all these still-open deals down in our ongoing efforts to spite our own faces for reasons we’ve long since forgotten.

“And yes I know people say we could leave the EU but remain in the European Economic Area, like Norway, but then we’d have to have free movement of people. And we can’t have that, god forbid. I mean, just look at all EU citizens coming over here, cleaning our hospitals, staffing our restaurants and building us new houses, the bloody freeloaders. Or we could be like Switzerland, and have over 100 bilateral treaties with the EU, but they’ve had to give up token amounts of regulatory autonomy on goods and services in exchange for vast piles of money, and our government has been quite clear it doesn’t want any of that, unless it comes from overtaxing poor people. 

“Basically thanks to our own self-imposed, glorious, Rule-Britannia, Last night at the Proms, they-ought-to-bring-back-hanging self-defeating red lines, we’re all but doomed to no deal, unless we do something horrific like compromise on one small element of something, but why should we give the other party anything? That’s not how you negotiate. And I know those filthy Europeans like to pretend they’re helping us, by turning every cheek on their body and offering helpful suggestions to ensure we maintain some sort of relationship with our closest, largest and longest-serving trade partner, whilst we continue to behave like petulant children on the sidelines screaming at ourselves, but I just know secretly they’re out to get us somehow.

“No. We absolutely have to remain determined and focused on our ‘No Deal’ prize, by gloriously failing in every single aspect of negotiation. Then, and only then, can we get what we really want: continuing, expensive, and never-ending negotiations with the EU. After all, no deal is just the beginning, not the end. Because quite literally on day two of any ‘No Deal’ scenario, we’ll begin immediately trying to scramble up similar versions of all the trade agreements we’ve just lost. and then spend the next 5 years arguing in circles about those. God, I love this country!”