By Norman Smee
America. A few hours ago.
Another twist was taken in the fascinating race for the White House yesterday that literally only two people in the universe are pretending is still on, when Donald Trump’s Lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, told a whopper of such astonishing proportions that his own face reacted by removing itself live on camera.
The face, which Rudy Giuliani was trying to force several unfeasibly large porkies through at the time, decided it had had just about enough of its owner midway through another rambling press conference about imaginary electoral fraud, and began peeling away from his head in front of a stunned audience.
Undeterred, despite the stifled laughter from the attending reporters, Mr Giuliani continued spewing forth with another exorbitantly concocted yarn of a fabrication about Venezuelans stealing ballot papers or something, and the face, now dangling on by just a single jet-black hair from the top of Mr Giuliani’s magnificently hirsute bonce, finally flopped to the floor, and began limply crawling offstage.
The visage-formerly-known as Rudy’s sudden and unexpected departure left its former owner, the rest of Mr Giuliani, desperate to try and save face, but he was sadly unable to catch it.
Speaking to reporters afterwards, a clearly embarrassed, bright red face said: “Jesus-face-Christ. I’ve put up with some shit coming out of that man’s mouth before, but this really takes the biscuit. To be honest, I’ve been reconsidering my position as Rudy Giuliani’s face for some weeks now. I almost left when he made creepy old man moves at Ali G’s underage daughter - but this feeble attempt at a coup, despite it being beyond obvious Trump bloody lost, is just beyond embarrassing now”
“It’s over. I will no longer be representing the front of that man’s head. If anyone else is in the market for a face, slightly used, and with a bit of dye on the sides, please contact my agent. I’m open to all offers”