The News Elephant
Lockdown miscreants to be caged in large castle in the air

By Leppy Pardalis

Questions about how new lockdown restrictions are to be enforced were conclusively answered by Prime Minister Boris Johnson today.

Critics have repeatedly pointed out that there is little point in Mr Johnson and his friends threatening rulebreakers with serious penalties as there is nobody to enforce them effectively.

The police, suggest sceptics, are so underfunded and overstretched that they would be barely able to investigate an escaped lunatic running amok in a petting zoo with a chainsaw, let alone knock on Auntie Nelly’s door to make sure her knitting circle meeting was run in strict accordance with whatever random and almost certainly futile rules were recently pulled by some politician from his or her bottom.

In addition, councils are so thoroughly deprived of resources that they won’t be able to take on any more wardens, not even if they only try to recruit rather peculiar men who still live with their mums at the age of 47 and spend their evenings drooling over Guns & Ammo magazine.

However, Mr Johnson revealed in a Downing Street press conference early this morning: “We’re building a great big castle in the air, where those who fail to follow the law will be placed for the duration of the pandemic.

“Whether they break the Rule of Six, the Rule of Seven, the Rule of Three or The Rule of Whatever Number You First Thought Of Minus Your Hat Size, off to the castle they’ll go.

“Construction is being undertaken by a crack team of specialist engineers recruited from The Big Rock Candy Mountain , where the bulldogs all have rubber teeth and the hens lay soft-boiled eggs.

“I know the naysayers and wet blankets claim we shan’t be able to police the new regulations, but we’ve just signed a deal to bring in a private security force from The Big Rock Candy Mountain where, incidentally, there is a lake of stew and whiskey too, and you can paddle all around it in a big canoe.

“Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, and remember - we’re all in this together.”