The Nerd’s Last Word with Michael Bosley

Spring is nearly here! Rejoice! So to celebrate, we have compiled a list of inconvenient life hacks and common sense advice to help guide you through what will essentially be just a slight improvement in weather and a few more flowers.

1. Survey the garden

Chances are winter has ravaged your once pristine lawn and your shed is probably mouldy. Write down a list of all the things that need doing, screw that list up tightly into a ball and launch it furiously at the sun. The sun God should hopefully take care of these problems for you. If not, go out and buy a massive gas burning barbeque that you’ll spend more time cleaning than using.

2. Renew your Spring wardrobe

Gather all your coats, jumpers, jeans and shirts and snip the sleeves and legs off with a pair of scissors. Voila! A sexy spring wardrobe fit for even the most discerning fashionista!

3. Make annoying plans

Warmer weather means spending more time outdoors doing things that seemed like a much better idea when you were planning them. Fantasising about hot summer festivals and road trips around the country seem romantic and exciting, but when you realise this isn’t LA and that festivals mean long weekends trudging through mud and faeces and road trips mean endless hours on the M1 queuing for some event you weren’t even that enthusiastic about, you’ll soon come to appreciate a quiet cocktail in the garden.

4. Food related nonsense

You’ve managed to quietly bury the grand plans you made on New Year that ultimately ended in failure and now need something else to announce on social media. Probably something to do with food, or detoxing or growing things in your garden, or something organic and vegan and other such noise. Make some kind of calendar counting down something or counting up to something and take lots of pretty pictures of exotic vegetables and fruits you’re only ever going to try once because of how expensive they are and how terrible they tasted.

5. Fuck about with your house

You’ve effectively spent the past four months holed up in your house shivering under a blanket in front of Netflix and waiting for the warm weather to arrive. The whole place is starting to look a bit ‘lived in’ and you’ve been neglecting the housework in favour of eating hot puddings and complaining about your feet being cold.

Simple chores such as cleaning the windows and mowing the lawn are a start, but you’ll soon progress to moving the furniture around for no practical or discernible reason and perhaps even resort to removing entire walls or extending a room so you can fit your new fish tank in, because, you know, you’re into fish now.