The Nerd’s Last Word with Michael Bosley

The warmer months and longer days present us with many opportunities to carry out all those little jobs around the house that we’ve either found too daunting to undertake ourselves or for one reason or another, we’ve chosen to ignore until they’ve either threatened the lives of those around you or single-handedly bought down the price of your house. Here’s how you can properly DIY like a pro and feel like an actual useful human being:

Drink lots of tea

Drinking lots of tea and standing around pondering your next move is 90% of DIY. Drinking tea can ease the ebbing panic as you realise you’ve bitten off much more than you can chew or are so far past the point of no return that you’re actually considering just burning down the house to cover up your fuck up.

Cut off too much/too little of something

This could be anything; a piece of incorrectly measured wood, material or cable. Whatever it is, it will usually result in binning the whole lot and taking another humiliating trip to the DIY store to get some more.

Blame the tools

When the shit inevitably hits the fan, it’s often far easier and far less humiliating to deduce that the cheap, useless tools you have are to blame, even though it was in fact you that bought the cheap, useless tools.

Curse like a sailor

Swearing is proven to be therapeutic in a number of DIY situations. It eases the pain of a poorly swung hammer or banged head on a cabinet door, but it also soothes the white-hot feeling of abject failure one feels when they realise that replacing a sink isn’t quite as straightforward as the Youtube video made out.

Play pretend

The novelty of physical labour can bring out the inner builder/plumber/tiler/plasterer in us. Our unfulfilled calling as a tradesman can cause us to adopt a somewhat stereotype mockney accent and partake in innuendo-laden back-and-forth’s with our partners such as “Ello luv, you got anything that needs hammering?” or “Alright darlin’! You seen my bag of nuts?”

Reassure

The unholy language coming from the shed as well as the cascade of plaster falling from the ceiling has your children and your other half genuinely concerned for your welfare as well as that of the house. Questions such as “How are you getting on?” and “Are you sure you don’t need a hand?” come from a place of concern and love, but to the budding DIYer, they undermine the recently learned skills of the weekend warrior, valiantly soldiering through this cabinet build against the odds and despite having misplaced the bag with the screws in.

“It’s fine”, “It’s worse than it looks” and “It’ll look fine once it’s done” are all good responses to any concerns raised about the wanton mess and destruction.

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