The News Elephant
Drunk coronavirus kicks off at 9.59pm as landlord tries to kick him out

By Livi Ngroom

Police in Eastbourne were called to a disturbance at The Duke of Essexshire in Terminals Road last night after an unruly coronavirus refused to leave the pub by 10pm.

Under the new Government guidelines pubs now have to close at 10pm having called last orders at 9.30pm.

Det Insp Yardstick, of Sussex Police, said: “We were called to the premises at just before 10pm on Thursday night to find that a very drunk coronavirus was refusing to leave and was harrassing the landlord for just one more drink. The virus was being verbally aggressive and we believe would have turned violent without our intervention.

“With the help of two police constables, coronavirus had to be forcibly removed and was last seen screaming abuse outside a nearby closed kebab shop before vomiting in a doorway. The officers in question are now in isolation and are now trying to get a test so that they can return to their duties.”

Duke of Essexshire landlord Mitch Buchanan said: “The hospitality industry is on its knees at the moment and it’s such a shame that we have now have to close early as we have tried to adhere to the social distancing guidelines throughout the pandemic.

“So when you get a customer like coronavirus enter your establishment and not adhere to any of the guidelines it is very unfortunate and adds to the stress of the job.

“It was funny as coronavirus first entered the pub with a group of teenagers but then as the evening went on we noticed him spreading out to the other tables as well which is totally against the guidelines.”

A very hungover coronavirus this morning said: “I’m really pissed off as what am I going to do this weekend? I usually pre-load my drinking at home with a couple of vodkas and some wine so that I can come out later but now I’m just going to have to start day-drinking if I’m going to make the most of the weekend at all.”