The News Elephant
Crucial TV Debate helps America with its impossible choice between unhinged despotic madman and the other guy

One is a deranged narcissist, with a terrible track record of being a president. The other is tall, polite and reasonable. Precisely because they are so similar, American voters are having a hard time choosing between them.

By Norman Smee

Voters across the US were thankful last night for the indispensable services of television networks in bringing them a televised debate between presidential candidates Donald Trump and his opponent, Joe Thing.

Despite the fact the US has seen a year of chaotic mismanagement of a virus that has resulted in the deaths of almost a quarter of a million citizens, a nosediving economy, aimless trade wars, dystopian racial riots burning whole town centres to the ground, rampant wildfires and extreme weather events plaguing the country due to rapidly accelerating global temperatures; a delusional, denialist absurd caricature of a man who refuses to even denounce Q-Anon conspiracy theories that posit he is some sort of vigilante Mother Teresa, is possibly still going to remain President.

Millions tuned into the TV debate last night, which featured the current president, his opposite number Joe Candidate, and a mute button, who most analysts agree won the debate.

Undecided Redneck Bobby-Jo Cadence Clearwater, 88, added: “Well sir, I know Trump’s been responsible for a lot of turbulence over the past few years. And has no respect for the office. Or his opponents. Or women. Or Mexicans. Or Poor People. Or Protesting Citizens. Or Blue collar workers despite indicating otherwise. Or dead war veterans. Or his own staff. Or Blacks, Hispanics, Jews, BAME senators, medical professionals, climate scientists or the entire nation of Chi-Na, wherever that is.

“But apart from all that – I mean, the two candidates are literally like two identical peas in a pod. It’s a really tough choice between Trump and… who’s the other one again? Joe Shirt?”

Undecided voter and disarmingly polite Southern Plantation owner Yosemite BigBucks is also not sure which way to cast his vote: “Well sir, for me, it’s all about the economy. And yes, Trump has ran it into the ground by pursing short-term sabre-rattling, petty protectionist policies at the expense of international free trade agreements at a time of unprecedented economic turbulence, causing catastrophic losses unlikely to be repaired in this term or the next. Much like every business he’s previously run, to be honest. And he has vested interests all over the place, that - if you’ll pardon the expression - stink to high heaven. I literally cannot conceive of anyone who could possibly run the economy worse than Trump. But Joe Candidate is the other guy, and therefore I am undecided.”

Making a final appeal to voters, president Trump, who has been lagging in the polls, almost completed the first coherent sentence of his presidency with the closing remarks: “I am so smart. So smart. Incredible, really. If you look up the word dictionary, in a smart, you’ll see Donald Trump.”

Sticking up for himself, Joe Guy ended the debate with this call to arms: “Vote for me, that’d be swell. I’m Joe Candidate.”