by Kit Chentable

A NEW ‘Hot Air To Energy’ plant is to be built in Bassett Rivers powered by council meetings and every time a local politician opens his or her mouth.

The ‘HATE’ plant will be built on the former site of the Bassett Rivers fungal foot cream factory which went bankrupt last year after a report revealed that cream made from fungal feet was not a healthy replacement to cream created from the fatty part of milk.

A council spokesperson said: “The average council meeting produces  seven metric tonnes of hot air especially if they’re debating a hot button issue like the one last year when Mrs Mason wanted to build a new conservatory.

“Councillors like to hear the sound of their own voices so we thought that it would be a good idea to fit a filtration unit to each politician’s mouth to capture the ‘hot air’ that is emitted and what we’ve discovered is that one private entertainment licensing committee meeting can produce enough gas to power the whole of Bassett Rivers for a month.

“The hot air is then pumped through a system of pipes to the new facility where it is converted using state of the art ‘hot air’ conversion techiques into heat that is used to generate electricity that is then pumped straight into the national grid.”

This is the next step in the council’s goal in trying to be 100% energy efficient by the year 2020 with other steps including getting rid of fortnightly bin collections altogether with residents asked to throw all their rubbish into one big bin created on The Green which is then broken down to create a carbon like substance which is then burnt in an incinerator to heat one sunbed for one day a year at the Bassett Rivers Beauty Salon on TOWIE Street.