The News Elephant
Coronavirus tops list of gifts to give elderly parents this Christmas

By Livi Ngroom

The must-have gift this Christmas for elderly parents will be Covid-19 according to researchers from the British Retail Research Council.

Coronavirus is experiencing a surge in UK towns and cities despite critics calling it a fatal disease that’s killing tens of thousands.

Retail analyst Ivor Pennyworth of Marketing Week said: “The people behind the branding for coronavirus have played a blinder. During the summer it was looking like it wasn’t doing too well and people were losing interest.

“But then just in time for the Christmas rush, it’s made a major resurgence mainly due to mass-marketing by guerilla marketeers disguised as anti-maskers and The Government’s insistence on really confusing messaging and crowding huge numbers of young people together in schools and universities.

“The agency behind Covid-19, Satchel and Scrote, have been at the top of their game! It really will be the main present that youngsters give their elderly parents this year.”

Ad agency Satchel and Scrote have in recent days been trying to get their product ‘Long Covid’ to gain traction with the public.

Jeremiah Scrote, who heads the agency, said: “Long covid is like normal coroanvirus but it just lasts longer. It’s for the people who don’t want to go all in, avoiding all the nasty funeral costs, but still want to suffer for as long as possible. Already the uptake has been fab.

“We’ve taken a two-pronged approach to coronavirus. The first prong back in the spring was to get people warmed up to the idea so that we can get them ready for the second prong this winter. 

“What we found through focus groups is that the mass unemployment caused by coronavirus lockdowns means that people don’t have any money this festive period so they will be looking for something cost effective to give their parents this year and you don’t get any more cost effective than coronavirus as it’s totally free.

“If you compare that to a state of the art beard trimmer for your dad or a cashmere sweater for mum from M&S it’s a complete no-brainer.”