The News Elephant
Charity bosses say covid a threat to their massive salaries and some people or animals or something

By Leppy Pardalis

Six-figure remuneration packages don’t pay themselves and covid restrictions aren’t helping, major charity bosses warn.

One of those who spoke out is Sir Digby Slime, chief executive of a charity Sir Digby thinks is something to do with overseas aid.

“That’s what I seem to recall being told at the job interview, anyway,” said Sir Digby, who used to be a financier but fancied having an easier life without having to sacrifice too many luxuries.

He added: “Yes, that’s it. International aid of some sort. I’m pretty sure that’s it because millions of pounds of our budget goes on buying brand new Toyota Land Cruisers for well-to-do, well-connected gap year kids to swan about disaster zones in, doing not a lot except gathering credibility for their CVs.

“Oh, and we also set aside a few million a year for sweetheart deals with bloodthirsty warlords and sexual assault claims against our field workers, so yes, it’s definitely international aid.

“Anyway, who gives a flying fart about starving people thousands of miles away - what about my 250 grand a year, the 100 grand or so apiece for the rest of the executive team, the pension fund, the mortgage on our luxuriously-appointed headquarters in central London and the top-shelf booze in the expensively-appointed boardroom?

“Thanks to covid, our army of well-paid fundraisers is no longer able to hang around in town centres, press ganging the elderly and vulnerable into giving us their pittances instead of spending it on trivialities such as heating, light and food.

“It’s an absolute disgrace.”

Among those who agree with Sir Digby is Dame Deirdre D’Amoral, who is in charge of some sort of animal charity which mercilessly slaughters 99 percent of the animals it ‘rescues’ with a great big nail gun or a thermic lance, then chucks the ravaged bodies into landfill from the backs of unmarked vans in the dead of night.

Dame Deirdre said: “The revenue from our charity shops, even though they get their stock for free and are staffed by well-meaning old biddies who work long hours for no pay, don’t even keep me and my senior executive team in champagne, smoked salmon and designer clothes.

“The sooner the Government lifts these ridiculous restrictions and allows us to resume targeting the vulnerable, unassertive and gullible, including on their doorsteps so they can’t escape, the better.”

Fellow major charity chief executive Gavin Twatt CBE voiced similar sentiments.

Mr Twatt runs a charity nomimally devoted to the eradication of a particularly unpleasant and tragic medical condition.

“I can’t remember which one,” he said, “and in any case it doesn’t matter because any scientist who comes up with a gravy-train derailing cure will be told to fuck right off and their research data sealed in a lead box and chucked into the sea from my private helicopter.

“The way things are going, we’ll even have to cut down on the number of heart-rending TV ads with sad plinky-plonky piano music we put out while our victims - sorry, our potential donors - are trying to eat their dinners.

“These restrictions go completely against what we’re supposed to be all about.

“In fact, they’re as ridiculous as suggesting that ordinary people would achieve far more good by giving as much money as they possibly can - and ideally also volunteering their time - to smaller charities run entirely by volunteers who are in the sector for love and human decency rather than cold, hard cash.”