by Kit Chentable
A CAT has been charged by police for using threatening behaviour after its vegan owner Tarquin Snowflake tried to give it another bloody vegetable.
Tiddles, known by other cats in the neighbourhood as Mflah The Destroyer of Mice, of Radish Avenue, Bassett Rivers was being held by police last night after they received a call of a domestic dispute at the address.
Mr Snowflake said: “I tried to feed Tiddles his usual beetroot, hummus and crispy chickpea mince but he just suddenly went feral.
“It’s really hurt my feelings and he looked at me as if he wanted to kill me and started growling.
“It’s my right to be offended by this so I called the police as it was so upsetting.”
Using state of the art equipment hooked up to the cat the police were able to use a translation device to decipher the growling.
Tiddles, who prefers to be known as Mflah The Destroyer of Mice, said: “What the fuck does this two legs think he is fucking doing?
“I’m a cat. I eat meat preferably with intestines hanging out and warm blood gushing out of my mouth as I chew on the other creature’s still beating heart. If this two legs feeds me one more thing that isn’t meat based I will chew his bloody face off and feed on his brains. Now put me down and let me go and stare out the window for the next five hours.”