By Leppy Pardalis
Punning toilet humour devotees the length and breadth of Britain are distraught at the prospect of Donald Trump losing the White House to Joe Biden in November.
Although they are no more fans of the bloviating tangerine-hued halfwit than any other sane person, they sense the impending end of a glorious era.
“It’s the name, quite frankly,” said one unhappy punster who first gave his name as Ivor Biggun but eventually admitted that his name was Brian.
“How many other US Presidents have had a name that’s a well-known English colloquialism for a fart?
“Okay, so there were two presidents called Johnson and a pervy congressman called Weiner, and they’re both words for ‘penis’ - but only in America.
“The Irish had that politician, Dick Spring, but he wasn’t well-known enough over here for the punning community to get much mileage out of him.”
Brian has been devoted to smutty puns since childhood.
“Whenever my class at school was given new textbooks and the teacher told us to write our names in them, I was always the first to write ‘Hugh Janus’ or ‘Mike Hunt’.
“I like nothing better than to slip in the names of made-up books and authors when people talk to me about what they’re reading. Yellow River by IP Standing, for example, or Rusty Bedsprings by IP Knightly.
“Or The Muscovite with Three Testicles by Udi Nikabolokov, or that old favourite, The Tiger’s Revenge by Claude Balls.
“And I always sing that old Dr Hook classic, When You’re In Love With A Beautiful Woman, on karaoke nights.”
When Trump was elected to the White House, Brian felt that all his birthdays had come at once.
He said: “I’ve lost count of the number of Trump-related puns I’ve made during conversations in pubs, at work and at family gatherings.”
“‘There’s something a bit fishy about that Trump,’ I’ve said. And, ‘I hear there was a Trump in that lift with Nigel Farage.’ And, ‘That Trump was very noisy.’ And, ‘I was watching that White House briefing and I wonder whether Trump will follow through.’
“The list is endless, really. Only the other night, a friend of mine was saying he didn’t understand how Trump’s family could stand to be in the same room as him, and quick as a flash I said, ‘Well, you don’t mind your own Trump, a bit like Pot Noodle.’
“Brought the house down, it did.
“I don’t know what I’ll do now. I’ve been trying to think of some Biden puns but they’re all rubbish.”
If Trump loses in November, Brian says he will write to former New Hampshire congressman Dick Swett and beg him to re-enter American national politics.