The News Elephant
Britain warned to brace for covid-related folk songs

By Leppy Pardalis

Terrible diddly-dee music is emerging as a dire side-effect of the pandemic.

Public outbreaks are currently mercifully limited due to restrictions on live musical performances, but health officials fear it is only a matter of time before rotten, droning, finger-in-the-ear coronavirus music becomes rife.

Official guidance is scant, but a leaked internal email from the Department of Health and Social Care spells out the threat.

An alarmed official wrote to senior staff: “As early as late May we began to hear of folk singers writing songs with titles such as The Great Lavvy Paper Shortage of ‘20, Landlord Give Us Another Squirt of Hand Sanitiser and Hey Ho, the Policeman Wouldn’t Let Me Sit on a Park Bench, Me Boys.

“We’ve had reports from local public health directors of simultaneous covid folk song outbreaks in Plymouth, Lincoln and Carlisle.

“Worryingly, these all involved a song entitled The Arrows on the Floor of the Old Tesco Metro. This suggests an alarming rate of transmission.

“For now I suggest we monitor the situation, but if escalation continues we may have to consider strict measures including curfews for middle-aged men who regularly wear open-toed sandals with socks or own a small dog with a piece of string for a lead.”