Bassett Rivers MP Bane ‘Drive-by’ Bullet’s monthly Column


I iz well excited as I av become a reality telly star.

Dere iz dis programme called Question Time and I like went on it 2 ‘av me say on da fact dat dere iz not enuff Nazi Zombie levelz on da new version of Call of Duty and dat dey need 2 bring back dose chocolate barz called Spiraz as dey were lush.

But dey did not want me 2 talk about da stuff dat I wanted 2 talk about as dere were all dese people in da audience dat rudely kept askin’ questionz.

Dere were dese ovva peepz on da show which wuz hosted by a man called David Dimpleface. Dese ovva peepz included some journalist from da Daily Mail who I caught doin’ Nazi salutez in da green room like some of da Nazi zombiez do in da latest Call of Duty game. I tried 2 talk 2 him about it before we went on but when I mentioned da game he just said it shuld be banned as dey like bannin’ tings at da Daily Mail.

Da ovva guestz in da green room were dis guy called Iain Duncin Donut, Vince Cable TV and human Fredo Nigel Farage who said he wuz from U kip. I told ‘im I didn’t want 2 kip and ‘U kip’ instead and he just laffed.

Anyway, da show wuz bangin’ especially when dey heard me rap about Theresa May in a love triangle wiv me boss Jez Corbyn and Howard from da Halifax adz.

Da Daily Mail geezer got in an argument wiv me as he tried 2 claim that me biatch (mum) wuz a scrounger on benefitz and I put him straight dat she did get benefitz but also worked really hard on da game like all da ovva biatches (mumz) on da estate. Dat shut him up.

I iz gettin’ used 2 dis politicz game now and da people seem 2 like me as dey ‘ave now asked me to go on dis ovva programme called Newsnight 2 discuss da economic benefitz of leavin’ da European Union. I told dem dere iz none as I still want to get me cheap booze and ciggiez from Calais.