The News Elephant
Armed robbers accuse face mask wearers of cultural appropriation

By Livi Ngroom

The armed robbery community has lashed out at face mask wearers amid accusations of cultural appropiation and are planning a sit-down protest tomorrow at noon during a planned heist at the Tunbridge Wells branch of the Halifax Building Society.

The UK Association of Assorted Robbers, Shoplifters and Larcenists (ARSALs) is now calling for The Government to intervene by changing the guidance so that certain types of facemasks are only worn by those on a ‘job’ and not by the general public.

ARSALs spokesperson Bazza ‘Two Bullets’ Bellows said: “It’s really those face coverings that look more like bandanas and balaclavas that are problematical as we have no problem with medical masks - as looking like we have just performed surgery is not really the look that we are going for when waving a sawn-off shotgun in front of the face of Dierdre who works at the bank.

“It’s those masks that look like you are going equipped to ‘rob’ that are causing us difficulties. The other day Tony ‘I’m Reallly Bleeding’ Higgins was carrying out a ‘job’ at a post office in Coventry and he wasn’t able to work out who was part of his crew or not halfway through the job and ended up giving half the loot to a 73 year old retired cleaner who had only come in to get her pension.

“Face masks are part of our heritage and having everyone else wearing one is just one more thing that is eroding away our sense of identity.”

This follows the Association of Surgeons of Great Britain & Ireland (ASGBI) making a formal complaint to the Government last week about everybody wearing medical face masks following an incident of mistaken identity when a plasterer from West Bromwich ended up performing two open heart surgeries and a vasectomy at the County Hospital in Stafford.