Top 5 Gadgets for Important People

Are you drowning in expendable income? No? Then stop reading! If you are, then you must be dying to find the latest fads to fritter your hardly earned cash on. Here are the top five gadgets (all sponsoring the Olympics despite having no obvious connection) to leave gathering dust in your cupboard as compiled by me, because I am God. Now pay attention prole!

5. Epi-tear hair destroyer

Looking for a slightly less agonising way to forcefully remove bits of your body hair in line with the standards set by western society? The new Epi-tear is virtually non-distressing and only causes mild eye watering and toe curling. Swearing and screaming in agony is also kept to a minimum thanks to its state-of-the-art built in Curse-less hypermotor. Its tiny little razors revolve at 3001 rpm, tearing hair from its roots and leaving your skin feeling smooth and only slightly like chicken skin. Works great on armpit hair, nose hair, facial hair, crotch hair and bum fluff.

After all, as society dictates, the only place follicle growth should be tolerated is on your head. You’ll be guaranteed interesting friends, sex life and laughing loudly and uncontrollably in bars and clubs.

So what are you waiting for ugly? Rip that hair out!

4. Cook with Gordon Ramsay iPhone app

Life is better when it’s lived through the iPhone and cooking is no exception. Utilising the special sensors of the iGlove (sold separately RRP£288), the Cook with Gordon Ramsay iPhone app registers every chop, dice and flip of a frying pan and feeds it into the app which then returns the relevant pre-recorded advice by celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay.

The Gordon app can help you prepare salads: “I’ve seen my pervy uncle Nigel toss better than you toss that fucking salad!”

Puddings: “No, no no! What the fuck are you doing you limp wristed shit-stick? You’re stirring that meringue like a virgin fingering a c*nt!”

And even guide you through preparing the Sunday lunch: “If my dear old mum plopped that plate of putrid shite in front of me, I’d euthanize her with her own meat carver!”

And for a limited time only, purchase the Cook with Gordon app and get the Gordon Ramsay sat nav voice for nearly free! Includes such corkers as: “If you turned left into this ditch right now, you’d be one of those pathetic lonely twats who’s body wouldn’t be found for at least three months, dick-smear!” and “You missed your turn off, dickhead, just like you missed every opportunity you had to make less of a fuckup of your life. Now turn around before you make me sick!”

3. Facebook petition app

Do you want to appear to be a conscientious, pro-active campaigner for causes of questionable importance but don’t want to contribute too much time and absolutely no money towards them?

The new Facebook petition app is the easy way to customise a Facebook group to champion your campaign. Whether it’s calling for the return of a chocolate bar no one ever really missed, or demanding the removal of an X-Factor contestant because your exceptional armchair knowledge clearly trumps that of industry experts, you’ll have all the tools to hand to help put your point across.

Not too good with spelling and grammar? The Facebook petition app can turn this: “Make that muppet Camron see sence and send them ileegals bak to where they come frm!”

Into this: “Call upon the coalition government to address the issue of illegal immigration in the upcoming debate in the House of Commons”

Really angry about something, but not quite sure what? Facebook petition can make suggestions based on your previous impotent status updates to find out what it is you want to petition about.

No longer will the pub be the only platform for your poorly rendered ranting. Now everyone can know how strongly you feel about poppy burners and Justin Bieber!

2. Google Porn filter

So many filters exist to block porn out, but what of those of us whose busy lives are blighted by having to sift through pages of pedestrian content trying to actually find the porn? Despite what busy-body parents might be bleating on about at the moment, the internet was of course, built on the foundations of pornography.

The new Google porn filter strips the internet of everything but the content you’re really after; hard-core porn.

Even a mundane search for something like “sandwich” will return only the smuttiest, filthiest results, omitting anything that could be deemed ‘factual’ or ‘useful’.

1. A Stick

The humble stick has seen a rapid decline in popularity over recent years. With computer games, smart phones and Charlie Sheen now dominating the entertainment market, the sight of a young child poking unsavoury objects on the floor or jabbing friends in the eye with a rotten old stick has become a rare one. Nowadays they’re too busy thwarting the Russian army on their Xboxes or going weak at the knees and hysterically crying whenever they glimpse the likeness of Justin Bieber.

But now the stick has been rebranded. Sporting a sexy looking bark designed by atrocity to fashion Nicki Minaj and modelled by the likes of Madonna and Samantha Brick, it’s now THE must have item for anyone hoping to own an overpriced, largely useless item which is also freely available in nature!