No Room at the Inn

The owners of the Swiss B&B in Cookham Dean, Berkshire have been made to pay compensation to Michael Black and John Morgan after refusing to offer them lodgings on account that they were homosexual. But does the Swiss B&B deserve all the flack it’s been getting in press recently? I’ve scoured their website and found this rather interesting blurb (or completely fabricated nonsense, you decide) to shed some light about what a night at the Swiss B&B is really like:

Set in historic Berkshire, The Swiss Bed and Breakfast offers first class hospitality (unless you’re gay) and is well situated with transport links and local, straight pubs all within walking distance. All of our rooms are furnished with king size beds, free from homosexuals as well as flat screen TV’s and tea and coffee facilities.

Married couples are more than welcome to share our luxury facilities, whilst unmarried and homosexual couples are kindly asked to either stay in separate rooms like naughty teenagers, or go fornicate in hell.

Read just some of the many Trip Advisor testimonials from our heterosexual guests below to see just how warm and welcoming the Swiss B+B is (unless you’re gay):

“We stayed for two nights after hearing nothing but good things from our wholesome, God fearing friends. On arrival I was so impressed with the cleanliness of the rooms. Not a speck of dust or a homosexual to be found on any of the surfaces or behind the cupboards!”

Harold – Bath

“My wife and I really enjoyed our stay at the Swiss. Once I showed the owners our wedding rings, we were treated with the warmth and respect that only married couples should be afforded. Once we were shown to our rooms, we studied the bible for a couple of hours before we f*cked like stray dogs on heat over the lovely floral bedspread.”

Janet - Leeds

“I cannot fault the Swiss B&B for their hospitality and attention to detail! Our room was rather small, but that just meant there wasn’t enough room for a gay to sneak in during the night and do all those gay things that those gays do. Breakfast was lovely, and because I wasn’t gay, the waitress refrained from pouring hot tea over my head, which was just lovely!”

Doug – Droitwich

“We stayed here for a wedding recently as it was within walking distance of the church. I was instantly pleased with the homophobic ambiance throughout the house and the imposing religious décor scattered liberally throughout. We stayed in the Pious suite which included luxuries like bottled holy water (very refreshing!) and Benedictine fruit biscuits baked by monks and distributed by McVities. If you dip them in the holy water, they’re truly heavenly! We slept well, comfortable in the knowledge that there were no unwed couples within close proximity to us.”

Lisa – London

“I fell in love with the Swiss B&B instantly! I’ve always been fond of hospitality oriented services that exclude minority sections of society and this one was no different. From the moment I arrived, I felt like I was part of a special group of people who would not only be welcomed into heaven, but would also be more than welcome at the Swiss. My only niggle was being awoken in the middle of the night by owner Mike performing an exorcism on his wife Susanne after she picked up a nasty bout of evil after brushing past a heathen by accident the day before. She was spewing a rather acrid bile from her nose and mouth and was shouting some very sexually violent things at me and even chased me from the premises and down the street where I was able to hold her at bay with a hastily fashioned crucifix made with branches from an ash tree until a priest arrived.

The very next day at breakfast, Susanne was very pleasant and understandably apologetic for her behaviour the night before. I was offered breakfast for free, but refused as taking such charity when it wasn’t needed was in itself a sin and would require me to lash myself at least thirty times in order to appease myself with the lord.”

William - Windsor