Where's Will.i.am?

There’s nothing more disconcerting then warming up the oven, opening the door to put your frozen pizza in and finding Will.i.am in there waving back. Will.i.am is literally everywhere at the moment. I was in the car driving home from work late one evening and glanced up briefly to check my rear view mirror only to see what I swore was Will.i.am’s face for just a second before it disappeared into an ethereal mist.

He’s held the Olympic torch, he’s had his single played on mars and he’s all over the television, grinning slyly like someone who’s fully aware that they’ve just done a fart capable of overpowering North Korea but is just waiting until everyone else notices it before they quickly leave the room with their jumper over their nose.

He’s even got his own car company! Admittedly all the cars he makes look like an amalgamation of a DeLorean and the bubonic plague, but still, he’s sticking his fingers in all the pies… and making sure he ruins them all for everyone else.

So with that in mind, having studied Will.i.am’s many foibles and characteristics, I’ve compiled a list of many of Will.i.am’s most popular hiding places and ways to prevent an unwelcome Will.i.am showing up unannounced in your bathroom while you’re taking a slash.

Gardens

Gardens should always be your first line of defence. Will.i.am can often spend days squatting in your rose bush waiting for an unguarded open door to present itself. Will.i.am doesn’t like orange peel, so discarded citrus peel is the ideal way to deter Will.i.am from finding his way into your perennials.

Under sinks

It’s a well-known fact that Will.i.am spent his childhood on a diet of Mr Muscle surface cleaner and scouring pads. If you were unlucky enough to have let Will.i.am into your home, either via an unguarded door or with promises of cake, this will most likely be his first port of call. Once in, it can be difficult to get him to come out. Coaxing him with a possible collaboration or a spot on the Jonathan Ross show may be enough to get him to emerge.

Shower heads

It’s often prudent to check blocked shower heads for signs of Will.i.am. He can reduce the efficiency of your shower and disturb the temperature regulation causing your shower to fluctuate from extremely hot to extremely cold. Removing the head and giving it a good shake should free him, but if it doesn’t, try rinsing the shower head with warm water.

Mirrors

It’s well reported that Will.i.am is sexually attracted to himself. So if your bedroom is festooned with mirrored closets, length high mirrors or a combination of different sized mirrors, don’t be surprised if you find him perched in front of one, adjusting his leather gloves or checking that his hairstyle is suitably asymmetric. Playing the song “Oh Vienna” by the band Ultravox is uncomfortable for his ears and he will often leave via the nearest crack in the skirting board. Failing that, throw some citrus peel at him.

Other repellents:

- As well as the commonly effective citrus peel as previously mentioned, Will.i.am also has an aversion to the deep, calming tones of late Radio 1 DJ, John Peel.

- If you attempt to call Will.i.am by the name Padishah Emperor Shaddam IV, he will curl up into a tight ball and remain in such a state for up to ten minutes. This is useful in buying time should you need to fetch a dustpan and brush to sweep him away.

- Will.i.am is unable to operate a vehicle with a manual gearbox. If you challenge him to a drag race, he must accept under the code of conduct of the brotherhood of the Black Eyed Peas. Once he accepts, he will have no choice but to use a manually operated vehicle, as is prevalent in the United Kingdom and will, as a result of his hatred of manual gears, forfeit the challenge and automatically lose. He will then have to hand you the Sword of a Thousand Truths as recompense and leave via the nearest fire exit.