Have you been watching 'The Walking Dead’? The ‘stumbling around, crawling with your intestines dragging along the gravelly street Dead’ would be more accurate. It’s beginning to annoy me! What is it with the texture of the victim’s flesh when a zombie bites down and rips a meaty flank or fatty piece of old lady under arm from his screaming victim? It’s like mozzarella! Like some kind of zombie people pizza! Helloooo???? Humans are not that elasticated – unless you’ve been animated by Pixar for a film about washed up super heroes.
My nerves are more racked by the current extrasensory/terrestrial/supernatural media onslaught than a treasonous medieval witch (yes I know its spelt wracked, but the pun wouldn’t work if I’d written wracked, although there’s a chance you’ll think I can’t spell because I’ve written racked. The word rack incidentally produces more Google hits as a noun for breasts than it does as a medieval instrument of torture…which helps explain the current poor standards in History education, bare witness Michael Gove)…but I digress and have managed to put nearly a whole paragraph in brackets. Grammatical faux pas...tut tut.
As I was saying my nerves are wracked because I’m continuously expecting to see a werewolf or vampire making an appearance on ‘The Walking Dead’. I keep thinking Buffy will suddenly leap into the fray with a stake sharpening side kick called Egor going all Millwall on some ex-lover zombie’s ass, who was attacked by a werewolf, who was bitten by a vampire. (Think about it a moment). What does that make him? A Were-Zompire? Is a Zompire like an Umpire who takes no notice of the rules of engagement? Just to clarify…I am awake and it is 3 in the morning.
What if a Were-Zompire got to preside over a version of ‘The Hunger Games’, where different districts comprising werewolves, zombies, vampires, witches, fairies, comic strip characters with superpowers et al get to fight to the death in an arena of diverse landscapes? Well people, that’s happening right now…no, don’t rush to the window…it’s not out there, well not yet anyway. WE are the Were-Zompires sat in front of the big screen watching it all unfold. Supernatural, True Blood, Being Human, Misfits, Doctor Who the Sarah Jane Adventures. The situation is as sticky as a zombie’s next meal, but…like many of you, I’m addicted!
The ball boys are maul boys and its leg before lick it in the great supernatural takeover where escapism is the name of the game and no one wonders what happens if a zombie bites a werewolf that bites a vampire! It’s a valid question. Does the zombiefied werewolf/vamp still transform every full moon while conserving energy by sleeping all day? And does it then follow that an evolutionary leap takes place? I mean, surely a zombiefied werewolf/vamp stands more chance of surviving than a normal zombie or werewolf or vampire.
Let’s face it…theoretically the earth could be overrun by zombiefied werewolf/vamps. There’s no doubt that in the very distant future Ridley Scott (his brain tagged by electrodes and with a telepathic voice converter allowing him to direct ‘Alien 2,000 Narcissus’ - see what I did there?) will showcase the final evolutionary step. This is where a beautiful zombiefied werewolf/vamp played by an aging Kristen Stewart fresh from cryogenics at Skynet meets an evolved Alien who resembles Englebert Humperdinck who managed to pick up some human DNA a few million years ago from Sigourney Weaver. They fight their common enemy – Predator – fall in love and we’ve come full circle. Cut to final scene where two super beautiful humans with no zombie/werewolf/vampire/alien traits stand over the crib of the first ‘human’ baby born in several millennia. Parents kiss and camera moves in to get close up of baby who opens its mouth to coo… revealing an awesome display of vampire fangs dripping green slime.
Cue stabbing the shower curtain in ‘Psycho’ music.
The End…(fumbles around in bed clothes for escaped salt and vinegar hula hoop)