Dose blokez who play football n all dat r well lucky. Dey get da fittest biatches like Cheryl Cole and dat Colleen biatch and all dey have to do is kick a ball about a bit. Except for dat Beckham, as his biatch is a minger.
I’ve been practising so dat I can maybe one day play for Man U, but Mr Ali from da Costalot keeps telling me to stop kickin’ da ball against his wall. I tried practising in me garden, but me biatch (mum) has banned me as I smashed da window da ova day.
I threatened to pop a cap in her ass but she tol’ me dat I wouldn’t get any tea if I gave her any more lip.
Anyway I den tried to play wiv me possee in da park but P Diddy Ha Ha Hum ruined it all when he tackled Sixpack Shaker using a stolen souped up Ford Fiesta.
Respect!

Dat Jordan bird iz well fit. Me n me posse were by da bus stop da over day and we saw her pass by in a limo wiv dat Peter Andre. Her rack wuz so big dat she had to hang it out da car window otherwise da driver wuld not be able to see da road. Talk about airbags. I reckon dat Peter Andre bloke iz well stupid n all dat as he duzzn't realise dat all da world fancies his missus. He sayz dat he haz a six-pack under his shirt and he posez all over da place with his shirt off to show off hiz muscles but I asked me homie Sixpack Shaker wot a real sixpack looked like and he showed me dat it was just a six pack of special brew lager dat he had nicked from Threshers. Havin' a sixpack iz not impressive as I've had loadz of dem, but dere not as good as WKD. Dat Peter Andre bloke must be a bit fick like to think dat Jordan wuld be impressed wiv sometin' dat can be bought down da local offie. When dey drove past in da car I shouted to Jordan if she wuld go out wiv me, but she just flicked me da Vs. Dat wuz well rude. She's a total minger now. In fact she's da queen of minging. But she's still fit.

Dere's loadz of stuff in da newz about Israel gettin' annoyed wiv Gazza. I don't know what he'z dun now but he iz alwayz in trouble for bein' drunk on too much wKD n dat. But now he'z managed to get a hole country upset wiv him. I think he must av got naked again as dey keep going on about da Gazza strip. Dat'z quite an achievement. Dey r now sendin' in a ground invasion onto Gazza's strip, which soundz painful but apparently dis political group called hummous r stickin' up for 'im and r mortaring da Israeli'z. I thought dat mortarin' wuz sometin' to do wiv buildin' housez like plasterin', so dese hummous blokes are probably threatening to do a really bad job buildin' housez. Dey should send a football referee over dere to sort out da hole mess as dey would probably giv Gazza and da Israeli'z a red card for bein' a bit stupid. Word up!

Dere are dese bunch of people dat appear on da telly and slag off da gubbernment about everyting. Dey are like a rival gang to da gubberment. Normally you'd tink dat rival gangz would be all at war wiv gunz and nivez and drive bys and all dat but dese guyz just seem to shout a lot at da gubberment. Dat doesn't seem a very sensible way of wipin' out a rival posse. Dey are called Toriez and dey look like dey wouldn't survive on da streetz for more dan two secondz. Like da crips and da bloodz da tories wear blue while da gubberment wear red but instead of usin' uzis and swearin' a lot dese guyz get all red faced at da gubberment and tell dem dat wot dey are doin' iz rong without tellin' dem how dey could do it better. Dey don't wear bling just tiez n suitz and stuff and dey don't even have tats. Dey r led by a geezer called David Cameron who smilez strangely and likez to hug hoodiez. I could tell 'im dat hoodiez don't like to be hugged unless it iz by a biatch but I don't tink dey would listen. Dey r posh and Cameron iz da poshest as my dad sayz dat he livez wiv a silver spoon in his mouth which must be well uncomfortable like.

Dere iz total respect from me crew dat a black man has kicked all dose white mofo's asses and become da next president of New York. Dat iz totally sweet! As a man of da street I know what it feelz like to be black even dough I'm white. We have to be on da lookout for drive-bys all da time especially in Wiltshire. We live in da hood and we know dat at any moment we could have a cap in our asses. As a crew from da mean streetz of Wiltshire, we have to fight da man all da time and dere iz constant prejudice towardz us, especially when we're wearing our hoodiez and are tryin' to shoplift from da local Co-op. Dat iz not right. Just becoz we vandalize phone boxes and put graffiti everywhere iz no reason to look suspiciously at us. It's like dey can't see beyond our hoodiez just like da Americanz before dis election couldn't see beyond da colour of a man's skin. Dat iz why a black man as president iz totally gangsta. Hopefully he'll make listening to Public Enemy and wearing bling compulsory. Dis Barack Obama guy is da bomb but he would look even better in a hoodie. Respect America. Respect!