The Christians will be playing at The Wyvern Theatre in Swindon tonight. That's right that lovely lot who enjoyed a lot of chart-topping success a few years ago will be playing a live and unplugged set tonight. It all kicks off at 7.30pm. Tickets cost £16.50 and are available on 01793 524481.

This month’s award goes to the British man and woman (having met a few hours earlier at an all-you-can-drink buffet party) arrested in Dubai for having sex on the beach and now facing six years imprisonment. Just a bit of harmless fun gone wrong, you might be thinking - poor martyrs, taking the fall on behalf of every Brit bonking abroad. Nothing moronic about that, right? They’re practically national heroes.

West Country comedian Jethro will be appearing at The Wyvern Theatre in Swindon tonight. He might be politically incorrect but this bloke doesn't half tell a good joke. It starts at 7.30pm and tickets cost £18. Call 01793 524481 to book.

Me biatch (mum) iz alwayz tellin’ me dat I’ve got to eat da carrotz. Dey iz rank. Dey apparently can make ya see in da dark but I’ve tried it and it duzn’t work. Dere iz nowhere to put da batteries or no button to turn dem on. If I wuz ya I wuld stick wiv a torch. I don’t no why anyone wuld want 2 eat carrotz as dey like come from da ground. Dat iz disgusting. Ya don’t eat off da floor so why wuld ya eat sometin’ dat growz in da garden where da catz do dere bizness. Giv me chipz any day. Adultz don’t no anytin’ at all. Dat iz da truth. Respect!

I know about heaven a little bit. I can’t wait until I die because I want to be born in heaven which is a better place, because there’s a lot of better stuff like there’s a gate to get in and there’s not one to get into Marlborough and Marlborough’s smaller than heaven and also it probably has a Playstation 3, which I don’t get to play much in Marlborough because my daddy’s always on it and there’s just goodies in heaven as all the baddies are in hell and they fight all the time but they don’t have swords so they have to fight with their hands and to get into heaven there’s a waiting list and when you die your soul goes up to heaven and you’re born but you’re a ghost in heaven and hell and heaven looks like a white roof and I know what hell looks like more than heaven as it’s got the devil living there and lots of other devils and Hellboy lives there, that’s why he’s called Hellboy, but he’s a goodie even though he’s meant to be a baddie because he lives in hell and my cat Roo lives in heaven as he died but he was good and angels live in heaven on clouds but if you’re a baddie when you’re alive then you’re obviously going to go to hell and be a baddie again where they have to do stuff that the devil says.